Baby Drama in the Single Lane

Many parents can tell you about the drama of raising children, but few people talk about the drama of actually trying to become parents. It seems to be this big secret that so many people wrestle with and often, the elephant in the room is only revealed upon a confidential admission of your own struggles. Then the floodgates open and you really start to hear the stories!  Well, add to this mix the element of trying to become a parent as a single woman and you have serious baby drama in the single lane!

In my 20s, I just assumed my life would follow the typical pattern we all grow up on – meet a man, fall in love, have kids, balance your career with your family, grow old on the front porch together and look back fondly on all the memories. Alas, many of us know, things don’t always work out as we plan. The universe has something else in store. Since the right man has not yet made an appearance in my life, where does that leave me? I have always known that I wanted children. As I got older, I knew I couldn’t continue to wait for Mr. Right; the biological clock was starting to run out of time. For a long while, I thought I would adopt. I lived in East Africa and there were many children in need of love and a home from this area, so I thought that would be my path. However, when I turned 37, something changed and I decided that I wanted to experience pregnancy and have my own child, even if I was single. It took me another two years to ‘officially’ tell my family of this decision and begin to move forward with some options. At the time, so utterly naïve, I just thought it wouldn’t be a problem for me to get pregnant. The big decision had been made – I mean, deciding to get pregnant as a single woman is not the easiest choice – so with that  decision made, the rest would fall into place. Even though I had heard a few stories of infertility and I was “older,” I honestly did not imagine that I would have difficulty. Plus, I’m a planner and type A personality, so with the right organization and know-how, I knew I would be set. (Insert evil chuckle here.)

Flash forward two years to present day. Still no baby and one heck of a long and bumpy road. Much harder than I imagined and it’s taken an emotional toll I had not envisioned. My first year, I started with insemination. I had a great time picking out a sperm donor. There was so much information to peruse – health history for generations, baby pics, audio interviews and celebrity look-a-likes. My whole family got into the process, scoring donors for me and giving input. I had four inseminations done in Nairobi, Kenya. (Yes, it is possible. There are actually two infertility doctors in the country.) The sperm was, believe it or not, fedexed, and thankfully, I had relatively few problems with customs – kudos to my doctor. But with no positive pregnancy results forthcoming after four tries, I was advised to have this test – it has a super long name that I won’t bother you with – but essentially, they inject dye into your fallopian tubes to check for any blockage. Concerned about the pain, I decided to do this in the US. Unfortunately, that didn’t make much difference. The results of this fun test revealed my left fallopian tube was completely blocked, probably from some infection I never even knew I had. When a doctor sees this, the immediate recommendation is in-vitro fertilization or IVF.

For those of you on the fertility learning curve, IVF is when the doctor removes your eggs from your ovaries, fertilizes them outside your body, watches the embryos grow for 2-6 days and then transfers them back to the uterus. So I was on to the next step. Eager, ready and willing, even though the technology in Nairobi was – let’s just say – not as cutting edge as the US. For example, in the US the procedure to remove the eggs requires that you are put under anesthesia in a 1/2 day outpatient surgery. In Nairobi, they use an ‘older’ method – shot to the cervix  for numbing and then suction out the eggs while you are awake. This is done in a regular examination room. My Kenyan doctor said the use of anesthesia was really just to ‘ease’ the emotions of the patient and not necessary. (i.e. Americans are wussies!) Shot in the va-ja-jay….sounds like fun, sign me up! In my opinion, I moved forward bravely, since I’m not real fond of pain of any sort, but I felt confident in my doctor. I had two IVF procedures and each was slightly different. There was some pain and it is a wee bit nerve-wracking, to say the least. In addition, services are just not as customer friendly in this developing country. I liked my doctor, but he still had a ways to go in learning bedside manner, along with the nurses. Although a namesake nurse offered me lots and lots of prayers; “God will provide,” she told me with never-ending reassuring pats on my shoulder and hugs. I guess that made up for her inability to provide accurate answers to some of my basic questions on medications or procedures. But I did like her and she was my namesake, so I took it in stride.

The medical community here is still learning about the value of comfort for patients – so the ice-cold, old-fashioned, horizontal metal table  with no give and stir-ups that harnessed my legs at a 90 degree angle – became my friend. The table was so high, you had to get on a little step stool to climb on. Once there, the table was so slim you had to balance appropriately so you wouldn’t fall off one side and of course, if you put too much weight on the bottom end, the whole thing tipped towards the floor. Once my legs were harnessed, the nurse would crank down the left side of the table like she was rolling down a car window. The room was always either too cold or too hot (no central air); instruments were often cold and privacy was not a main concern. Picture being spread-eagled at a 90 degree angle towards the only door to the exam room, with nurses and the doctor coming in and out quite freely. There were no warm and friendly pictures of babies or happy women/couples – just stark white walls. The reception area had a TV which usually played a local TV station at the loudest possible volume with gospel music or just bad, bad programming. Did I mention that you can’t make appointments? It’s standard practice – first come, first serve. But this doctor was one of the only successful fertility docs in all of East and Central Africa – women fly or bus in to see him – traveling and waiting an untold number of hours. So the only way to guarantee that you would not have to wait more than 2 hours was to show up at opening time – 7 am. Even then, you were lucky to get out by 8.30 am. Ok, you get the picture. Some days I just had to laugh or I probably would have cried. But I do think that living overseas gave me a healthier attitude or more of that ‘go with the flow’ nature. Time has a completely different meaning in Africa generally and ‘pole pole’ or ‘slowly, slowly’ in Kiswahili is one of the Kenyans’ favorite sayings.

My IVFs revealed that I have a ‘low ovarian reserve.” Ladies, this is not something you want to hear. Trust me. Even after being jacked up on lots of hormones, I was only producing 3 eggs per cycle. By comparison, most women on this regiment would produce 10-16 eggs. But I persevered and I was able to get pregnant on my 2nd IVF. It was so exciting, but surreal. Then the blood tests began to show that the embryo wasn’t growing correctly and the emotional roller coaster began as I underwent blood tests every 3 days and was told to wait and remain hopeful. Unfortunately, the end result was a miscarriage and in the true tactful nature of this developing country medical community, I was placed next to women who had just given birth with their screaming babies. This was a rough time. A miscarriage is difficult no matter which way you look at it, but not having a partner by my side seemed to double the heartache. Even with the great support of friends and family, I still felt very alone. At the same time, it was also a glimpse of what single parenthood would require. Strength and perseverance.

After more research, more sharing of my story and hearing those of others, I consulted with a couple of  doctors in Colorado. Who would have thought that Colorado is the hotbed for infertility in the US? The best doctor in the nation is here with high-end research and he’s doing some amazing things. Miracle-worker, I was told, but also cautioned – no bedside manner and you’ll probably only get 5 minutes. Well, my working in Africa seemed to finally pay off – he really took a liking to me and the work I was doing abroad and after 45 minutes fast-tracked me into his system.  So I did another IVF  late last year. The timing was critical. I was already an older candidate, but once I turned 41, my chances of success with IVF decreased from 40% to 30%. Yikes! Age definitely works against you.

On this final IVF, they comfortably (or at least I was comfortable) retrieved 5 eggs. Four were viable and fertilized. I decided to participate in a clinical study which tested the genetic viability of the embryos. Upside, if viable and implanted, less chances of miscarriage because you know the embryos are healthy. Downside, if not genetically viable, they won’t transplant at all. It was worth it to me to know, especially given my age. This testing process took 30 days and then I received, unfortunately, very devastating news. None of the four were viable. How could that be? I had felt certain I would get at least one, possibly two! Some had too many chromosomes, some had too few. If the embryos had been transplanted, I would have miscarried naturally. Damn my old eggs! That’s the fact of the matter, my eggs suck. Too old, too few, too poor quality. If only I had known 10 years ago, I would have frozen them in advance.

So I am now on the road of egg donation. My doctor has suggested that I could try another IVF, but honestly, I fear spending another $30k and getting the same results. The definition of insanity, right? Doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results. Plus, let’s face it – this infertility route is definitely not cheap and also not covered by insurance. I’m always so amazed by the number of young couples in the center – how the hell can they afford it? Anyway – egg donation has it’s own pros and cons. I’ve dragged my feet a bit, since I’m not real thrilled with this avenue. It wasn’t my first choice. But now I’m here and moving forward. Of course, the drama has continued over the last few weeks. I swear, it feels like the fertility gods are working against me, but I’m remaining positive. I’ll blog about the egg donation turmoil another time…I’m drama-ed out and this blog is already too long. Perseverance and faith, at this point, that’s what is getting me through, barely. Last word of advice: ladies, in your 30s, don’t wait. I understand how hard it is to make a decision. But if you think, even for a moment, that children are what you want in the future, get checked out and freeze your eggs. You’ll thank yourself later.


8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Thirteen is Not an Unlucky Number! | fortyandfeelingit
  2. Beth
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 21:27:39

    Oh how I wish I could tell my 30 year old self so many things. Thanks for being so open about the experience.


    • maggieat40
      Mar 28, 2012 @ 21:52:09

      So true! Damn – there sure are a lot of things I would say. But I think you just have to live it. I want to say that now we know enough to raise our daughters (ok, here’s me being forward and positive thinking) and give them the right advice, but I have a feeling they may also just have to learn on the journey!


  3. edna
    Mar 22, 2012 @ 08:29:02

    Margaret-what a journey and thanks for sharing your tough experience-i am totally moved-an i wish you all the best in the rest of the journey-feel like your poor namesake nurse right now-to say that i will pray for you and God will provide but i would rather say may God increase for you the peace,the strengh and patience…………….you will be successful soonest and i want to consider freezing my eggs coz the wait as u know continues…..will be in touch-much love!


    • maggieat40
      Mar 24, 2012 @ 17:24:32

      Edna, you’re a gem. Thanks for the support and warm wishes. Hoping success comes in May/June. Tune in…the drama on that front continues. Definitely check out your eggs…I can tell you more about my Doctor in Nairobi if you need information! Take care.


  4. Rachel @Peace, Love, Fabulous
    Mar 21, 2012 @ 23:26:21

    You are fabulous, so I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award! Come on over to pick it up! (:

    Keep up the good work!
    – Rachel


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